Well its been a week or so since the last time I had balls enough to write anything on here, and since that time I’ve had some serious developments in my life. I should start this however with the fact that I’m not surprised at all it turned out this way. Its my luck – and you would think I’d have learned to live with it by now.

First of all, dude totally confessed out indescretionate weekend to his boyfriend. Like, the day he came back into town told the truth and without any sort of heads up to and/or indication he would do something that insane to me. I mean… we had both agreed that it was better left untold and that for now we would just move along with our lives like it had never happened. He even specifically told me how angry b/f would be if he knew what had happened. This happened Tuesday and I found out sometime that evening.

I was a little freaked out of course, more so because it really caught me off guard then anything else. Then of course the usual fear of dude showing up at my house to kill me, and of course the dread of the eventual confrontation that’s sure to come as it is pretty much unavoidable in a small city with a small gay community like Little Rock. We’re bound to run into each other eventually. However what irritated me the most in the whole situation is again the lack of communication between myself and cheater. The last time I actually talked with him was Tuesday when he called to tell me the awful truth and all he had to say about it was that “b/f was really upset”. Didn’t tell me what was actually discussed didn’t call me back later in the week to give a heads up…nothing. So I’ve been sitting all week wondering if my car will explode the next time I start it, or if that Fedex package that just arrived at work contains a lethal dose of Anthrax.

There does seem to be a glimmer of a light at the end of tunnel only because I did finally get an email at work from cheater asking if I was working that day (Monday, which I wasn’t). Didn’t get to respond till today and it seems that we may be getting together sometime tomorrow after work to “talk” about what’s going on. I’ve already been working on the apology email but kinda hesitant about sending it just I don’t know how much of the truth dude felt the need to share. Don’t want to make the situation any worse then it already is ya know?

We shall see how tomorrow plays out.

On a lighter note I had some of the most insane days of my life over the 4th of July holidays. Totally made my forefathers proud by all the celebration of my independence I did – particularly Friday night going into Saturday morning. Sidewalk chalk is my new best friend and I even have pictures to prove it which, if I can figure out how to post on this thing I’ll be happy to share all. My new name is Sparkle Spice though its more of a state of mind rather then something people should actually call me.

I also met a Cowboy. And not just any cowboy, a real life gay one that is not only the butchest gay man I’ve ever met but also from my same home town. He totally popped up on myspace I believe Sunday night and we started talking and agreed to meet for drinks Monday afternoon. We hit it off pretty well – there were of course several things that immediately put me off though that’s just my personality. He went with me to the party at Jeffrey’s Tuesday and that was where it went downhill. Dude is a like a big kid. Cannot control himself with a water gun and had me on edge the whole time. He was way more fun before he got comfortable with his surroundings and even though pretty much everyone seemed to like him I just don’t think I can do it. Not long term at least. Don’t get me wrong, he was a lot of fun to show up there with, if nothing but for the novelty of it all.

There were lots of other little things that went on that really weren’t worth mentioning in depth. Most of the weekend is a fuzzy blur and I’m sure that’s probably for the best.

Watched "Latter Days" last night on Logo OnDemand (my new obsession) and it wrecked my world... or at least I thought it was going to in my already emotionally fragile after the events of this last weekend. But then it did a comlete 180 on me.. thank god

The acting in the movie was on par with most of the "made for Logo" gay flicks currently being produced.. which is lets just say, not Oscar worthy. However the boys in the movie, especially the little Mormon guy were hot and the story itself was okay, if a bit imposable. By the end of it I had laugh, then sobbed, then cheered out loud for the two homo's. Total Romeo and Juliet theme to the whole deal, but with a soft core sex scene or two to throw in the mix!

Okay, so my ticket to hell has been sign, sealed and delivered 2 day priority.

To say that I didn't see this coming though would dig my hole even deeper. I'm not even gonna go there. But to say that I haven't taken steps to avoid this wouldn't really be a lie, and so I'm going to go in that direction - so here's the story and prepare yourself, because its a tragedy.

It all began one chilly St. Patrick's day eve when my friends A & A were having a joint birthday party at a local hotel/bar. Its the the same place they had it at last year and I questioned the choice of location again this year as the prices for drinks at this particular bar are lets just say.. ridiculous. Anyways, I saw an old friend that I've known for years. I greeted him warmly as I've always really liked this person and then he introduced me to his boyfriend.

And my face cracked, I'm sure.

He was one of the most beautiful attractive men I had ever seen and I was insanity in love, especially after we went into what b/f did for a living and the fact that we were in similar industries, which is unusal for people of our chosen lifestyle. He was country, and when I say country I mean straight from the couch sitting on the front porch (is that country, or just ghetto?) and the fact that he was such a hick made him even more endearing to me at the tim. Still today even which surprises me. But he was also well educated drove a butch truck and rides a motorcycle. I made a vow then in there to several of my select friends that I would have this man, that he would be my husband and we would have the most perfect babies - and believe me they will.. I mean would be - and live happily ever after in a castle or some shit.

This continued on, mostly as joke between those friends for a couple weeks when an email I sent somehow found its way from my inbox to his and we made plans to meet up for drinks, under some type of work pretense. A friendship developed with b/f but I soon realized after hanging out with the two of them together (original friend, and b/f) that they really were BOTH nice people and breaking them up for selfish reasons of my own would really be well.. selfish of me. We stayed in contact since but it has been purely platonic.

Notice I said has because this last weekend, the other half was out of town for work and b/f asked me if I wanted to meet up with some friends of his for dinner..and then go out to the bar afterwards. I did, and we did and I somehow ended up back at his house - which in all honesty was the original plan because I didn't want to have to drive drunk back home from B.S. and he lived just around the corner. But then my plans of sleeping on the couch fell through somehow and I think you see where this is going.

I did not, however sleep with the man and I'm very proud of that fact if for nothing else. What I did though has me riddled with guilt that I'm completely justified for feeling. Its going to be so awkward now because I don' t know how its going to be around the two of them.. plus of course the fear that b/f might have some moment of honesty (god forbid) and admit to our indiscretion.

He has more to lose then I do except for the fact that everyone will know what a gutter slut I seem to have become.

Ideally, and I know this makes me seem like I'm an even worse person then I'm sure everyone is thinking if you've gotten this far in the story - and that is that if they DO break up, I then have a chance to get with b/f. I know that I'm wrong for thinking that but their relationship is already tarnished and I might as well get the man of my dreams out of the deal. I mean seriously everyone, I'd never ask for anything else if it played that way.

That last sentence was of course an outright lie.. but what does it matter? I'm already on a one way trip to someplace way south and fuck... I hate getting hot.

I decided to join the masses, sell a little bit more of my soul and involve myself with the leagues of other out there posting their thoughts and activities for the world to peruse at will. Regardless of the fact that I don't see myself posting daily or even sometimes weekly I have come to the conclusion that putting down my thoughts and feelings on what was going on in my life at the tender age of 23 is something that will be important later - at least as something to chuckle about in the years to come.

So lets begin the confessional:

"Forgive me Father for I have sinned.." How long has it been since my last confession you ask? "Well.. umm.. I generally don't confess anything nor ever tell the truth, or at least the whole truth." I respond. And not just because of the fact that I'm not Catholic (I'm Episcopal, technically) but also for the fact that I see nothing wrong with leaving out details that I deem unimportant. Michael and I were sitting on the patio the other evening and kind of hit on this topic. Don't think he really agreed with me but I truly look at myself in the mirror and see an honest person, I just whole heartedly believe that there are sometime things that no one benefits from knowing the truth of.. and that if you just keep you mouth shut everything will run more smoothly. There is a quote that is right on the edge of my mind right now. "Be polite to all, but intimate with few." and I think Thomas Jefferson said it. Its an idea I've tried to bend my life around since I came across it back in highschool. What does this have to do with telling the whole truth and nothing but the truth you ask? "I really have no idea." is my reply. God I love rambling.

On a seemingly unrelated note I think the real reason behind my sudden desire to write things down is this really odd feeling I've been toying around with the last couple of weeks. It may actually be longer then a few weeks, now that I really sit here and consider it. But its like I feel this big change coming...though again after more consideration maybe its not a change but more of myself seeing the need for one. I think I'm going to make a list of the most immediate things I feel need attention in my life. Believe me when I say that this will be an ever evolving compilation.

1st - I want to lose weight. And I say that not because I necessarily think I'm a fatty or anything, but only because I've never seen myself as someone who is attractive physically - and I want that. And also when I say lose weight I really intend something more comprehensive then just that. Its difficult I know, to completely change ones lifestyle overnight and especially in areas of diet and exercise but it is something I know that if I can accomplish then I'm all round going to have an easier time dealing with EVERYTHING else in my life. Cause cute people go farther.. and we all know that.

2nd - And this is something I've begun working on already. I have GOT to get my finances under control. Though I don't consider them "out of control" per say, they just aren't on quite as tight of a leash as they need to be. I refer to my checkbook like its a group of people or something.. though its really a rioting mob that drags me to the ground every chance it gets. I fucking hate balancing the damn thing but I've really been doing a better job of it since before Vegas. I think tomorrow (Sunday) I'll sit down with Puss and work out setting up a budget. But like an actual one, not just something in my head.

3rd - I have got to get a hobby.. or maybe even a couple of them. My Aunt Sheryl is a child advocate and it seems to be relatively rewarding and would also be a service to the community. Despite the fact that my choice of careers has led me away from my past desire to be a school teacher, I still very much feel the need to in some way be involved with kids. Kids rock. I'd also very much like to be in more with what's going on in the gay community. Could be a recruiter or something. ha. Simply Red is coming up, oh and since I've been drafted into heading up the big driver appreciation (yeah, truck drivers. Good Stuff Trucks Bring It bitches) event this year that work puts on, that will occupy a lot of my former free time.. at least while I'm supposed to be working ;)

4th - Finnish school. Period.

Aside from finding the perfect guy those are the big 4. It will be an evolving process I know but I think I'll start going back to the gym tomorrow as well, and really get with Jeffrey about meeting me half way at the new gym they just opened on Hwy 10. I defiantly think I'll do better if I have someone bitchy to come along with me to suffer.. of course he like enjoys going or something.. I know.. craziness.